Armoring from self.

5^th March 2013/ Tuesday

I put the music to the loudest, trying to avoid these voices inside me. I just am trying to bypass these monologues that’s going on. I have been proved wrong, wrong by my own assumptions. While choosing to be rational, I just shut my emotions, to the highest possible limits. I just let it freeze, I just didn't care, or maybe I was too afraid to realize what I was feeling. I admit that I am the worst person any being can ever come across. In terms of everything I have done, every action I have taken, every deed I am on the verse of doing! I have questioned myself, maybe countless times. Just to know that I have no answers to my own questions. I have been the stupidest, the dud. The worst in every possible way.  Trying to be rational, to be sane, I actually lost my sanity. It is ironical, how I can convince myself that I am too rational, too much sane to say, when in fact I am the least of it. I actually am. I don’t doubt yours, theirs, his, hers anybody’s intention, no I don’t call you people have malafied intention, cause I feel I am at wrong. How can a person who is totally unaware of his own intentions, his choices and his own insanity, question someone else’s? The mode of operation of my entire system is a big question mark for me today, my entire existence perplexes me. I have hoped, I have dreamed, I have tried to conquer, in every possible way, just to lose the grip of my dream on the way. I have fallen, I have rose, and then willingly, out of sheer laxity, let myself fall, to feel the pain. That pain of hitting the floor with all the force, expecting the gravest of reaction. Not that I am fond of these sort of things, but because I guess, it is the only thing I feel like feeling. That pain. I guess, for now that’s what I want to, I wish to feel. The hatred, the despise, if not anything, everything alike. Am I a freak? You might give an affirmative to that question, if you read this piece of crap. But frankly speaking, why would I not bemuse you, why wouldn't I, when I have done the same to myself, throughout my existence!! Who are you to me, to grant you with my mercy? In fact why would you need one! You are a free being, a free spirit, go live your life! But before you take a leave, just take a piece of advice from me here; batter yourself with the least of questions possible!