To my almost-never-could've been-lover- I STILL HOPE AGAINST ALL HOPE

We were not lovers in the colloquial sense of the term.
Meaning, we started off on a different note,
No attachment, like an email with subject, body, and salutation but no attachment.
Exactly, 4 months ago, I a wanderer, a modern day actual immigrant, moved.
Rewind a few months back,
We had a bubble of happiness.
We met in late-fall
It was gawky, short, coffee-random-talk on an almost wintery November night,
It lasted almost an entire year,
Without us ever trying to get attached,
or, ever being able to get attached.
The reason, he kept saying was that I was moving, he didn't want to complicate it. Fair enough, I said.
And here I am in NY city,
The city of dreams and of singles,
Alone. Mind it alone, not lonely.
I look back, often, not because I am wound up in memories,
But, because I left a part of me there,
A part of me that held back words, sentences, feelings and almost everything in between,
A part of me that confessed, retracted, confessed, apologized, for falling,
Because I was too scared to lose whatever it was that we had,
A part of me, that could be genuinely happy at a time when I was the most emotionally unstable,
A part of me who could never look past him;
And, even today is reminded of him, by every similar face.
Part of me, that seeks resemblance in every face, every voice, every gesture,
Part of me that can't keep a conversation going without mentioning him at least once,
to all the strangers to whom he is nothing more than a stranger voiced and narrated through my memories,
as if we had been actual lovers for like, forever.
A part of me, who's still holding onto the hope that maybe we could be,
Maybe the universe might conspire to get us together in the same place again,
And maybe this time, I won't hold back words or sentences,
That maybe I could give it a shot, not because we are perfect,
But, because, I did believe when we first met and I do believe even today,
Despite that blank email, despite no attachment, my soul did attach,
And, I still don't know about him,
But, for me,
Let me try to be selfish, at least for once,
Cause,
For me, something of such gravity, such depth and passion is rare to come by,
and if it ever does, I am not one of those who let go, I try, I try and I keep trying,
Failure isn't or hasn't ever been an option for me,
I wish he knew that,
A heart that cares, sticks around as long as it takes and still is capable of giving,
is hard to come by,
And, that I am holding onto him, not because I couldn't move ahead,
But, because for me, that little spark, that little connection meant way more than I could ever comprehend.
And, I don't want to live a life of could and would have been, coated with regrets and 'well it would have never worked out anyway' statements,
I want to try, fight for it,
Despite all the odds,
Because earlier in life I learned that nothing worth having comes easy,
And, this attachment for me, means way more than I could ever tell or he could ever understand.
So,
I wish the universe would conspire,
I wish against all the odds,
I wish against my own conflicting heart,
I wish upon the stars and the God I don't believe in,
That if only I could get a chance, I would do everything right this time, everything that I did wrong in the first place,
And, maybe that would be enough to at least tell me,
I tried. I wore my heart on the sleeves one more time.
Because, for one more time, I believed that I could love again.