What I never said.

I have never been vocal about this story. But today reading an article over the internet, I realized my story matters and so does my voice. I have always wanted to be the voice of the voiceless when suddenly today I realized all along keeping my story to myself I was in fact being one of those voiceless in our society. I am dead sure that even my best friend (if she happens to read this blog) would be surprised to know what actually did happen.

I was a normal teenager. The kind who was much interested in Physics than in Prada and in Chemistry than in Chanel. I wasn’t a typical dork, but yes boys weren’t the field of my interest nor fashion my expertise. I would have qualified for a modern-day Meursault. It never occurred to me that the world around me saw me in an entirely different light. Regardless of my ability to remain detached and unmoved, I broke down, collected those shattered pieces, and moved ahead, every single day. Because that was the only way out, back then. As I think of it now, I feel unable to put those exact feelings into words.

I was tormented, abused; mentally, verbally, and even more than that, which I generally chose not to notice. But those verbal abuses, they definitely were something I could never ignore. To begin with, I wasn’t a chicken-hearted person, but situations break you down so nastily that you forget who you actually are.

Imagine a girl aged 15 gets random, unknown calls every day, going by the number-150 of them at the least. It takes a while for her to understand what actually is going on until her inbox starts getting inundated by profane, derogatory, abusive texts. For that young girl, she doesn’t even understand the meaning of those words. She gets random calls during days and nights, and if all those conspiracies are to curse her with all its might, she happens to pick it up in her sleep. The next thing that follows is a series of abusive words, verbal defiling from a person that girl barely knows. She is slut-shamed. This girl, who hasn’t even dated anyone, who doesn’t even know what sex actually is or what slut actually means is a SLUT!

The irony is she has never spoken to any of these guys. She hasn’t even bothered looking their way. Howsoever, she is tormented by these morons every single day for 2 whole years. And what does she do? She puts up with it. The reason: She doesn’t even know what she can do about it. All she could do is complain to the college authority, which chooses to shut her down. Bereft of any hope she learns to be oblivious to it, on the outside. While on the inside, she cries herself to sleep every night. Not because she had been called a slut right on her face, not even because they would torture her guy friend to get access to his phone in search of some sex videos because they were confident that she had one. But, because they raped her every single day, in their minds. They raped her with their words, their eyes, and their thoughts. She would wake up every day, helpless, tired of life, and tired of being surrounded by girls who even at the least couldn’t empathize. Howbeit, as they say in every dark corner there is light, she too had one such light in her life, in the form of her best friend, a guy.

That is how she grew up, in her early teens. That is how I grew up.

As I come to think of it now, 6 years later, I find myself pathetic. I wonder how anyone could be so naïve, so docile to such bullying. And when I look at myself now, I am an entirely different person; much more independent and stronger person, who has grown out of those scars. Even today, I haven’t been able to forget the bygones; I still carry that scar within myself. I am hopeful that one day all of this will be a fragment of the distant past that did change me, but, god forbid didn't define me. And I know that this will be a constant reminder of what I survived, a nudge to the strong self of my undeniable vulnerability; And, how our society despite our grandiose ideas of equality and women empowerment has failed us politically, economically, socially, morally, and emotionally.