Irrational to be rational!!

I am not sure enough, well I can’t be, to tell that if it’s the first time. But for the time being, let me just say, I feel like, I don’t know myself. The part of me, that is haunting me down right at this moment; The irrational, impatient, the dogmatic, the failure, the wildest impossible combination of what I can imagine out of me. Never in these 19 years, almost 20 years of my life, have I ever felt this. This is totally a further voracious dramatist role I have ever played. Not to convince anyone, not to please anyone, but to convince myself, that its still me in there. Holding on, crying, pledging, begging, trying all her best to let the last remaining part of her true self remain. Though almost dormant, but yet wishing for the remnants to be there, just there. 

Covetousness would have never let me drench into it so deeply. As a human all of us have to some extent that feeling of dissatisfaction and wrath towards our own disguise. But to me this thing is not yet to be known. An unknown, mysterious, but strong enough grudge has been taking me down, torning me apart, thrashing my stamina, making me question my own capability and god knows what not! Absurd, enough of it, but who is to know why. Not even me, then how on earth would anyone else even have a clue of it. And for my own so called hollow repute, why would I let anybody look into the bitter side of me. Why would I give them the chance to mock, the chance to take me further down. Why would I even in my nightmare let that happen! Surely I am sane enough, way too rational not to let that happen. Ironically, all my sanity, rationality, is left for keeping myself away from the clutches, the eyes of the world, but still I lack the ability to protect myself from the demon inside me. The hardest of the battle to fight, is the battle with yourself, and here I prove the word right, straight away!

P.S: & I wonder, why wouldn't it be irrational to be rational in every step we take! Isn't life all about experiments, so why not experiment we the devil side, and try to tame it better! Isn't that worth the price paid?