stateofmind
People change. Things change. I thought I was immune to this. Alas! I am not.
I feel shackled by my thoughts, my insecurities and what not. I am coping with a huge change at the moment and this change is changing me in ways I never anticipated.
I keep debating with myself over shower, breakfast, lunch, dinner and even in my sleep.
It isn't easy. Nobody said it would be. I knew that. But, when it comes to facing things as they are, well honestly speaking, I can see, I failed.
This failure, strung me like anything. The last time I remember when I disappointed myself was 5 years ago. Almost half a decade without any disappointment made me shell myself into that cocoon of my own achievements. I believed I could do anything and everything. I always have. It isn't overconfidence, it is plain confidence that comes with hard work, failures and the feat of rising back.
Well, a part of me died. I don't know what killed it. But, it choked, died and denied to come back to life. So, now all I do is, live with remorse and disappointment. Since, they had been out of contact for quite a while by now, I have forgotten how I dealt with them in the past.
So, the cycle is getting vicious by the day. I keep myself in the loop. The loop of disappointment and remorse.
And now all I can think about is, life isn't always about knowing what you want. It is also about knowing what you don't want and being prepared for it. My recent experiences have changed me to every bit. I barely talk to my mom, who I thought was my best friend and my friends, I barely know their whereabouts, daddy- I don't even remember his voice anymore and the guy I thought I loved- I question my love for him almost everyday, just that I don't know the answer or maybe for the ease of conversation I answer it in an affirmative and my sister- we talk but we don't.
My inability to decipher my own thoughts has made me a human having every skill set to grab the opportunities at my disposal but still unsure about the fact that I have those skills!
I feel shackled by my thoughts, my insecurities and what not. I am coping with a huge change at the moment and this change is changing me in ways I never anticipated.
I keep debating with myself over shower, breakfast, lunch, dinner and even in my sleep.
It isn't easy. Nobody said it would be. I knew that. But, when it comes to facing things as they are, well honestly speaking, I can see, I failed.
This failure, strung me like anything. The last time I remember when I disappointed myself was 5 years ago. Almost half a decade without any disappointment made me shell myself into that cocoon of my own achievements. I believed I could do anything and everything. I always have. It isn't overconfidence, it is plain confidence that comes with hard work, failures and the feat of rising back.
Well, a part of me died. I don't know what killed it. But, it choked, died and denied to come back to life. So, now all I do is, live with remorse and disappointment. Since, they had been out of contact for quite a while by now, I have forgotten how I dealt with them in the past.
So, the cycle is getting vicious by the day. I keep myself in the loop. The loop of disappointment and remorse.
And now all I can think about is, life isn't always about knowing what you want. It is also about knowing what you don't want and being prepared for it. My recent experiences have changed me to every bit. I barely talk to my mom, who I thought was my best friend and my friends, I barely know their whereabouts, daddy- I don't even remember his voice anymore and the guy I thought I loved- I question my love for him almost everyday, just that I don't know the answer or maybe for the ease of conversation I answer it in an affirmative and my sister- we talk but we don't.
My inability to decipher my own thoughts has made me a human having every skill set to grab the opportunities at my disposal but still unsure about the fact that I have those skills!
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